


Elevator Madness

by orphan_account



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Office, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Minor pairings - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 06:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12184710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's very unfortunate for all the employees of the Westerosi Office that the Lannister brothers decided to wreck their elevators.Not literally, but mentally by means of dangerously catchy robotic elevator music, mad tricks and strange assumptions.And it's even more unfortunate that no one, as Robb Stark says, had the common sense to check the date when their elevators were wrecked.





	Elevator Madness

"It's April Fools tomorrow." 

Tyrion Lannister, despite what most thought of him, brightened up at the words his brother spoke. 

Unfortunately for the office they worked in, (both of them having refused to inherit the huge fortune their father owned), every year on April 1st, there was always some kind of chaotic nonsense released on them. 

Courtesy of Jaime Lannister and Tyrion Lannister. 

Probably because they thought it was funny. 

And mostly because they wanted to have a little fun away from the hawk-like eyes of their dear father and even dearer sister. 

"What's your plan?" Jaime pressed on. 

Tyrion smirked and turned around on his wheeled chair (no not the disabled one, Tyrion might suffer from dwarfism but definitely not crippling diseases) to face Jaime.  "I already had something planned out, dearest brother. Look at this." He said, handing a paper to his brother. 

Jaime took it and when his eyes read what was on it, he only grinned. 

"Tyrion. This is fucking fantastic." Jaime said, in awe. 

Tyrion nodded smugly. "Of course. I found it on the Internet after all. Amazing it is, the shit you find on there. Except for that disgusting kink where people get turned on by amputation of limbs." 

Jaime blanched.

Tyrion had once accidentally clicked on a page featuring the most disgusting kinks and had vomitted on the floor, leading Jaime to discover the most disgusting sexual fetishes when he had in, utmost concern, looked in for his brother. 

"Seriously? Shut up, I'm already thinking of which stuff I should combine." Jaime said irritably. 

Tyrion hummed. "Sorry for the dinner turnout. You should really think of some really good shit because Father and Cersei are coming tomorrow to inspect the office. Along with Robert." He said, grinning when he saw the glint in his brother's eyes. 

"Tyrion. This is going to be the best April Fools _ever_." Jaime swore. 

Tyrion raised his hand for a high five and Jaime gladly obliged. 

 

Inhabitants of the Westerosi Office, get prepared for the apocalypse. 

 

_The next morning..._

Tyrion pressed on the elevator, looking very pleased with himself. 

Sansa Stark was inside the elevator and Tyrion mentally checked off one item on his list. 

He stared, hoping his height wouldn't get in the way of Sansa noticing him. 

Thankfully it didn't, because one minute later, Sansa warily looked at him, gulping. 

"Is there something wrong, Mr. Lannister?" She asked dubiously. 

Tyrion just smiled broadly and immediately sulked (thank god for Joffrey because the kid was the best teacher for sulking). "Actually, Ms. Stark, I'm afraid there is, a matter gone wrong. My brother happened to buy me new socks. And I'm afraid they're not to my taste." 

If Sansa were a bolder woman, she would have bluntly asked him if he had gone mad. As it is, she just blinked. 

"....Oh. That's...terrible, Mr. Lannister." Sansa said, having difficulty bringing two words together. 

"Absolutely! But I mustn't worry you further, I believe your destination is the twentieth floor?" He asked. 

Sansa, looked immensely relieved and nodded just as the elevator opened. 

"Mr. Lannister?" Sansa asked, confused. 

Tyrion blinked, looking carelessly unworried. "Yes?" 

Sansa looked confused and bit on her lip in an attempt to gather the words she wanted to say. 

"There's only 20 floors." 

Tyrion grinned. "A pity, my dear! I mean to go further!" 

Sansa fled, walking in dignity. 

When the elevator closed, Tyrion howled with laughter, slapping the elevator wall. 

While it wasn't very morally excusable to trick innocent Sansa Stark, the look on her face when he said his ending line was too much for Tyrion to resist.

 

"Robb." 

"Yeah, baby sis?" 

"I think Mr. Lannister's lost it." 

"Haven't both of them lost it the day they poured hair dye that looked like cow dung on Sandor Cleagne?" 

"Yeah, but Mr. Lannister, I mean, Mr. Tyrion, just lost it." 

"Oh boy. Dad always said the Lannister family was cuckoo." 

 

* * *

 

Jaime grinned as he checked his watch and his passenger, placing a desk in the corner. 

Ramsay Bolton. 

Annoying the kid would be great. 

"Ding!" Jaime screamed the second Ramsay came in. 

Ramsay looked confused and Jaime wanted to laugh. 

When his phone rang (good timing Tyrion, Jaime thought) with that insane robot song Tommen often danced to, Ramsay looked mildly surprised. 

"Oh yeah. I got my dinner ready. It's gonna be pretty delicious." Jaime said, occassionally side glancing at the mildly curious Bolton. 

"Yeah, bye." Jaime put his phone inside his pocket. 

He then took up the box and tried not to crawl back at the morbid grin Ramsay was giving the box. 

"Is that your dinner?" Ramsay asked, biting on his lip. 

Jaime nodded. 

Ramsay blinked before laughing in that creepy soft way of his. "I didn't know you were into cannibalism!" 

Jaime just shrugged, inhaling the box deeply, which wasn't hard since there was a perfume inside it. 

Ramsay blinked, looking mildly confused. 

Jaime, mentally grinning, then pressed a certain space on his phone, blasting the robot song at full volume. 

"That sounds like aliens are burping. Your ring tone that is." Ramsay said, conversationally. 

Jaime bit on his lip. "It's someone unimportant. I guess they'll have to wait." 

Ramsay looked confused. "You didn't even check who was the caller." He said, suspiciously. 

Jaime waved a hand. "No problem. You're getting off where?" 

Ramsay checked the floor number. "20th. I've got a certain business." 

Jaime barely stopped himself from grinning. They were on the third floor now and Jaime got plenty of chances to annoy the kid. 

"Ding!" Jaime shouted again. 

"Are you some sort of bell?" Ramsay asked, looking mildly annoyed. 

Jaime grinned, full on this time and it must have freaked out Ramsay to see his own creepy grin mirrored to him. 

With each time Jaime shouted Ramsay's currently most hated word, the latter got even more irritated. 

While the Bolton was civil enough not to say anything, he glared at Jaime the second he managed to get off. 

_"Here comes my most dangerous trick..."_ Jaime thought warily. 

"Hey Ramsay!" Jaime called. 

Ramsay glared coldly. "Yes?" 

"Do you have an appointment?" Jaime asked faux-curiously, tapping on the previously forgotten desk. 

Ramsay blinked. "Uh, no." He said, his annoyance momentarily forgotten. 

Jaime mentally thanked his father for installing smart elevators which wouldn't close if two people were talking. 

The wonders of technology. 

Jaime just darkly glared at Ramsay and the latter just gaped dubiously. 

He then walked away and once the elevator closed, Jaime couldn't help crying tears of mirth as he shook with laughter. 

His baby brother was a fucking _genius_. 

 

"Hey, Myranda." 

"Yeah?" 

"I think Jaime Lannister's lost it." 

".....That's serious." 

Little did Ramsay know, that his girlfriend was only saying this because  _he_ was the one saying it though he had a slight suspicion. 

 

* * *

 

Tyrion didn't actually think he'd do this, but he rubbed his hands with glee just before Jon Snow got inside. 

"Well, bye, Snow!" Tyrion said gleefully as Snow entered. 

Snow blinked and looked at the elevator doors behind him but evidently he must have realised Tyrion had been joking. 

The elevator music played as the doors closed and Tyrion danced a little jig, Snow looking at him as if he just witnessed Tyrion's balls freezing. 

"You seem to be....In a good mood, Mr. Lannister." Snow said, swallowing. 

Once the music got to a lower volume, Tyrion blinked and looked airily at Snow while still doing some body movements. "Oh what? Ah yes, I was just tuning my body to the torture called paperwork." 

Snow, the naive boy, bless him, looked confused. "You can do paperwork better if you...dance?"

Tyrion gaped, still dancing, this time something from that American cartoon, Joffrey watched about a narcissistic womaniser. "My boy, you need to try it in the morning or you'll never be active enough to do it!" He said, in mock disbelief. 

Snow looked uncertain. "....Ah." 

"Where are you heading off to?" Tyrion asked conversationally. 

Snow looked momentarily relieved. "The ninth floor. I need to wait for Sam, Samwell Tarly that is. We need to give some papers to Mr. Mormont." He replied. 

Tyrion nodded sagely. 

When the fourteenth floor came, the elevator doors opened to reveal Daenerys Targaryen. 

"Good morning, Jon Snow. Good morning, Mr. Lannister." She said formally. 

Tyrion grinned and waved his hand in a good bye gesture. "Well bye, Ms. Targaryen!" He said brightly. 

Daenerys raised a blonde eyebrows and looked at the doors behind her and then at Tyrion. 

"Aren't you leaving?" She asked, curiously. 

Tyrion pouted. "Do you want me out of the elevator that badly, my dear?" 

Snow put his hand to his mouth and groaned softly, evidently having realised that this would not end well. 

Daenerys looked puzzled. "Nothing like that, but I assumed..." 

The elevator doors closed. 

Tyrion sagely shook his head. "No assumptions dear lady! Please enter the delightful chamber of transport!" 

Daenerys sent a questioning look to Snow and though Tyrion pretended not to look, Snow made a  _"yes, he's cuckoo"_ sign with a bland face. 

Kids. So rude these days. 

 

By the time they came to the twelfth floor, they were greeted with the sight of Theon Greyjoy. 

"Well, bye Greyjoy!" Tyrion greeted cheerfully. 

Greyjoy had a dubious look on his face. "Are you getting off? And what's with this dumb alien music?" He asked bluntly. 

Tyrion rubbed his knuckles into his eyes. "Why does everyone want me off the elevator? The music is perfect, for your information!" He mock cried. 

"Are you drunk?" Greyjoy asked, raising his eyebrows. 

"Why, of course not! I have hereby decided to stay off wine for the rest of my life!" Tyrion declared. 

Greyjoy raised his eyebrows so high they disappeared into his hairline while Snow snorted. Daenerys coughed, clearly disbelieving. 

"Let's hear him say that the next time he takes a bloody York Arros." Snow muttered into his aunt's (yes Daenerys was his aunt) ears. 

The woman actually snorted a little, trying not to giggle. 

"Oh my, Greyjoy, you've bought flies with you!" Tyrion said in mock horror, taking a fly swatter and swatting away at imaginary flies as the elevator doors closed. 

" _What_?" Greyjoy asked disbelievingly as Tyrion swatted away while dancing to the elevator music. 

"He's _lost_ it." Snow muttered disbelievingly.

"I thought he was smart." Daenerys whispered doubtfully. 

"I'm doubting that now." Snow whispered back, bluntly. 

 

On the eleventh floor, Tyrion was still swatting away, sometimes hitting Greyjoy (on purpose) when Samwell Tarly came inside. 

"Here it comes." Snow muttered. 

"Well, bye there, Tarly!" Tyrion greeted, swatting at Greyjoy's leg who let out a curse. 

" _Fucking hell_ , Lannister, stop that!" Greyjoy shouted as Tyrion smartly swatted a 'fly' on his pant. 

Samwell looked alarmed and Snow ushered the boy in. 

"I can't help it, my dear boy, you must have rolled in a swamp because I've never seen so many flies around one person!" 

It was just Tyrion's luck that Greyjoy's phone rang otherwise the younger man could have happily carried the dwarfism-affected man and threw him out of the elevator. 

Glaring at Tyrion, Greyjoy attended the call. 

Some god must have been really enjoying Tyrion's jokes because fortunately, it was Yara Greyjoy apparently, if the conversation was any indication. 

"This elevator music is shitty, Yara. Don't get on the elevator. Oh sure, bye." Greyjoy said, switching off his phone and glaring daggers at Tyrion who simply danced away to the music. 

 

Once everyone went out, Tyrion tearfully waved them 'hi' because everyone wanted to get out on the ninth floor for some reason or the other. 

They fled and Tyrion was once more reduced to a puddle of laughter. 

* * *

Oh boy, it was Robb Stark. 

Jaime had the best luck because apparently only Margaery Tyrell could make the boy less uptight (and even for that she apparently had to flash her tits), and uptight people were the best people to play pranks on. 

Jaime almost couldn't perform the trick for the fear of laughing, but he knew Tyrion would pour a full bottle of water on his head and ruin his very carefully conditioned hair if they didn't make it a raging success this year. 

So did Jaime Lannister go into a corner of the elevator much to the mild surprise of Robb Stark. 

"Why the heck has the elevator music been rigged? It sounds like Mexican aliens are burping in a perfectly timed chorus or something." Stark muttered, breaking the silence. 

(Jaime mentally high fived with the brother in his mind.)

"No fucking one is supposed to come here, all right?! It's my corner!" Jaime yelled, wanting to grin when Stark looked at him like he announced like he lost his nuts. 

(Jaime was being oddly specific because that was exactly what happened after the success of the hair dye trick on the saner Cleagne.) 

"....Okay." Stark said conversationally, clearly not wanting to go to a mental asylum at such a young age. 

So did Jaime face the corner, not doing anything, not even dancing to the extremely catchy newly rigged elevator music which was highly tempting. 

Stark didn't even look like this wasn't something very out of the ordinary because Jaime was very well known for pissing people off for no reason when bored and when he _didn't_ do it, he obviously was going to launch something extremely unpleasant. 

All was quiet. 

Then...

"You're one of them!" Jaime yelled just as Stark was about to get off. 

Stark's eyes were widened in a way that shouldn't be humanely or even anatomically possible. 

"What?" He asked, looking bewildered. 

Jaime just grinned and tapped Stark on the shoulder before shouting that it wasn't him, obviously not. 

Stark looked like he wanted to cry for his mother or something. 

Once he went out, Jaime couldn't breathe in the face of laughter. 

Tyrion, really, was a genius and Cersei was a bitch if she couldn't see that. 

A very tightly wound up bitch. 

 

"Marge?" 

Margaery smiled upon seeing her fiancee. "Yeah?" 

"Am I in a society of detestable people or was Jaime Lannister out of his mind?" 

".....Robb, I love you, but stop asking me stupidly obvious questions." 

"No it's just-" 

"Hush." 

Robb was very glad Margaery started kissing him and didn't even feel ashamed when his father announced his presence by clearing his throat. 

* * *

 

Tyrion hummed as he walked out of the electricity room to board the elevator once more. 

It's a good thing Tormund Giantsbane found the whole thing hilarious otherwise Tyrion would have had a very tough time to convince him to rig the elevator music. 

Thank Tommen for introducing them to this dubiously funny robot music. 

 

_Shit_ , Tyrion thought as he got on the elevator. 

He was humming that stupid robot music.

 

Oh well. 

 

His first passenger was Oberyn Martell. 

This should be interesting, Tyrion thought with a grin. 

"Excuse me, Mr. Martell but you're supposed to follow certain etiquette on the elevator as I, the Elevator Floor Guard, decree so!" Tyrion proclaimed. 

"Since when did _you_ call me _Mr_. Martell? And since when did your father put you in charge of the elevators?" Oberyn asked with raised eyebrows.

Tyrion huffed.

"Do I need my loving father to issue me a proclamation to protect the majestic elevators of our office? (Oberyn looked alarmed) For after all, these are the most wonderful chambers of transport ever designed, and I, out of the goodness of my heart, have decided to protect the grandiose establishments! (Tyrion wanted to laugh at the befuddled look on Oberyn's face) Now all that's out of the way, would you like to have a taco?" 

Oberyn raised his eyebrows before eyeing Tyrion's Dominoes outfit and then at the taco. 

"Sure. I'll take one. Has a lot of chillies right?" He asked, conversationally, obviously not wanting to be caught up in the usually sane dwarf's madness. 

Tyrion looked offended. "I make quality tacos! Don't you dare question their constituents!" 

Oberyn looked at the taco dubiously before shrugging and eating one. 

"Pretty good. Why on earth didn't you wear a Taco Bell outfit if you're giving away tacos?" 

Just before Tyrion could reply, Ygritte Giantsbane, Tormund's sister, got inside the elevators, giving the Lannister a chance to produce the pizza box hidden in his taco box. 

"Ah wonderful, wonderful! Hot pizza, hot pizza aboard! Get your pizza here, courtesy as a welcome from the Elevator Door Guard!" Tyrion said like a true pizza seller. 

Ygritte laughed. "Pizza, huh? How much?" 

Tyrion didn't want to con people. He was wicked, but not _that_ wicked. 

"Free!" Tyrion said gleefully. 

Ygritte whooped. "Free pizza huh? And what's up with this crazy elevator music? It's crazy awesome!" She said, grinning. 

"Yeah, what I was wondering." Oberyn said, looking at the speakers dubiously. 

Tyrion had a smug smirk on his face as Ygritte got the pizza from him. 

"Tacos?" Tyrion asked. 

Ygritte looked like Christmas came early and gleefully accepted the tacos he was offering. 

"Okay, the music's gotten crazier." Oberyn said dubiously. 

"It's catchy." Ygritte said in between pizza and pepperoni. 

Oberyn raised his eyebrows before shrugging and folding his arms. 

"The robots sing wicked." Ygritte commented. 

"I say it's driving me mad." Oberyn said, eyeing the elevator roof with disgust in his eyes. 

Ygritte shrugged as she kept on munching on the pizza, swaying lightly to the tune. 

Just then the elevator doors opened, only to reveal Loras Tyrell. 

"Halt!" Tyrion shouted, making Ygritte choke out pizza bits in laughter and Oberyn raise his eyebrows to high heaven. 

"What." 

"As the Elevator Door Guard, by my decree, as per your earlier misbehaviour in the elevator, I say that you must follow some rules-" 

"Dude, I need to get into the elevator." Loras said blandly. 

"Follow etiquette and he'll let you in, whatever that is." Oberyn said, putting his hands in his pockets. 

Loras raised his eyebrows. 

"If ever Renly comes here, you don't have to snog him here so I don't have to see that image every time I inspect the elevators through the cameras." Tyrion said solemnly. 

Loras choked on his saliva as both Oberyn and Ygritte laughed uproariously. 

"Okay, that _is_ elevator etiquette." Oberyn said, grinning. 

"What the fuck, _you're_ the one inspecting the elevators?!" Loras said, his eyes wide. 

Tyrion raised his eyebrows and raised his hands. "Silence, everyone! Do I look like a liar, Sir Loras?" 

"Oh fine, enough with the crap, I agree to the stupid rules and I'm getting inside." Loras said dryly.

"Brilliant!" Tyrion said, clapping his hands. 

Loras made a ' _cuckoo_ ' sign to Oberyn who snorted. 

The elevator doors closed, blasting the outrageously catchy robot music at loud volume, making Loras cringe. 

"That's  _horrible. Ugh._ " The Tyrell groused, cringing to high heaven. 

_"Good work, Tormund."_ Tyrion thought in approval as he handed a taco to Loras. 

"So what, you're the taco man now?" Loras asked, blinking. 

Tyrion nodded. 

"Oh fine." Loras groused, getting a taco from Tyrion. 

Right on the next floor, who should come apart from Renly Baratheon? 

"Oh hey," Renly said with a grin as soon as he spotted Loras but Tyrion wasn't called ' _cockblocker'_ for nothing. 

"Etiquette! I want elevator etiquette! That means no bedroom eyes! This is the command of the Elevator Door Guard!" Tyrion roared, raising one hand in outrage. 

Loras slapped his face and groaned as Renly looked bemused. 

"You're the...Elevator Door Guard?" Renly asked, trying hard not to laugh. 

"I'll have you know I'm also an excellent taco provider as well as a dutiful Elevator Door Guard!" Tyrion said, clicking his tongue. 

Renly bit on his lip, shaking in mirth as he came inside. 

"What's with that music?" Renly asked, grinning. 

"Don't ask. It's horrible." Loras grumbled. 

"Well it's a good thing he's being a cockblocker. I'm not sure I can stop myself from fucking my girlfriend if I see those two animals go at it." Oberyn whispered to Ygritte. 

Ygritte cackled. "I don't know what this gig is, but it's hilarious." She said, her lips smeared with pepperoni and cheese. 

"Silence! I will not tolerate noise pollution inside the elevators!" Tyrion roared. 

Ygritte shook in laughter and Oberyn snorted. 

Tyrion then went to the corner, took out a few lollipops from his pocket and held it in clear view. 

"Since I've run out of tacos for poor Renly, I have decided to offer everyone a lollipop!" Tyrion said solemnly, shaking the lollipops. 

"Wait, he was giving tacos?" Renly asked to Loras, who wearily nodded as both of them got a lollipop. 

Oberyn looked suspicious as he got a lollipop. "Why do I still smell chillies?" 

"That's probably your breath." Ygritte said bluntly, getting a lollipop. 

"Uh huh. Remind me who spent her last few minutes inside the elevator eating a pizza and a taco?" Oberyn asked, folding his arms. 

"No one!" Ygritte said dramatically. 

"Yeah, and I'm the tooth fairy." Oberyn groused. 

"Explains why I don't get sweets." Renly joked in good humour. 

"Need I remind everyone to maintain silence?" Tyrion asked darkly just as Oberyn opened his mouth and shut it again. 

Loras opened his mouth but Renly jabbed him with his elbow as he licked on his lollipop. "He did give us free food." Renly reprimanded. 

Loras rolled his eyes. 

There was a temporary silence just before Tyrion decided to perform trick number 7. 

"Meow!" 

Everyone turned to look at Tyrion, because no one had a voice as deep as the Lannister (at least in the elevator) but instead, they saw him pointing at Renly. 

"Hey, I didn't make that kitty sound!" Renly protested. 

It was a good thing the elevator doors opened up for Oberyn at that second because the second he went out, the dispute was temporarily forgotten. 

Then on the second time the elevator doors opened, everyone swarmed out, leaving Tyrion alone with his thoughts which were extremely comical. 

* * *

Jaime's first passenger, was Podrick Payne. 

_Oh this was brilliant_ , Jaime thought gleefully as he sat down on the chair he bought (read: **_stolen from Ned Stark_** ) and would have rubbed his hands if he wasn't distinctly aware of how silly that might look. 

When Podrick timidly greeted him, warily looking at the chair, Jaime didn't respond, but instead kept on pressing each and every single button on the elevator, making it go haywire for the eternity known as two seconds. 

"M-M-Mr. Lannister?!" Podrick shrieked, as the elevator beeped alarmingly. 

Coupled with the loud beeping of the robot music, it was well served to make a man go deaf. 

Something strong must have been residing in both Jaime's and Podrick's ears because while Jaime danced a little jig to the music, Podrick stuffed his fingers inside his ears, shrieking the whole time. 

Just then, Jaime stopped pressing the buttons and grinned at Podrick. 

"Yes? It's a Christmas gift, you know, Pod, since I'm Santa Claus!" 

If possible, Podrick became even more terrified and backed into the wall in fear. 

"Ho ho ho!" Jaime laughed, making Podrick gulp. 

And then who should ride the elevator, but Brienne Tarth, the woman of Jaime's dreams? 

No seriously, even if she didn't look it, Brienne was indeed the woman of Jaime's dreams after a nasty break up with Cersei. 

(Yes. Jaime had been fucking his own sister, so what? There's a thing called as being too judgmental.)

"What's going on?" She asked, raising her eyebrows. 

"Pod doesn't like his Christmas gift!" Jaime said, frowning. 

Podrick yelped while Brienne rolled her eyes. 

"Jaime, it's April." She said, blandly. 

Podrick widened his eyes as he seemed to realise something but he bit on his lip tightly. 

"Not too early to celebrate Christmas! Here's my Christmas gift!" Jaime said, holding out a black cloak. 

Podrick blinked as Brienne face palmed. 

"Jaime, please stop. And what's with that ridiculous elevator music?" 

"Why is that no one's in the Christmas spirit?" He asked, in a hurt voice. 

Brienne only groaned. 

_"Twas the night before Christmas,_

_But no one,_

_Would get their present,_

_Even though they had been all good children for the whole year,_

_Is there something called,_

_As being too good?"_

"That doesn't even rhyme. How you aren't cooked with those clothes and beard on is beyond me." Brienne deadpanned.

Jaime shrugged. "It's the night before Christmas! Everyone must indulge in the Christmas spirit!" 

Brienne groaned louder and Jaime had to stop himself from getting dirty thoughts. 

Podrick, just then, pressed a button to get off the twelfth floor. 

He jumped when a loud  _'Boom!'_ courtesy of Jaime, reached his ears and then positively fled out of the elevators, tumbling down and then getting up, running again. 

"Jaime, whatever it is, stop before you get sent into the mental asylum. Even _Ramsay Bolton's_ been talking about how you need to go to the mental hospital." Brienne said, staring at him. 

"Ho ho ho!" Jaime replied as the elevator doors closed. 

Brienne muttered something unitelligible. 

Thankfully for her, she had to get off at the thirteenth floor but unfortunately, when she pressed the button, she got another very loud _'Boom!'_

Brienne, having all of her dignity intact, walked swiftly out of the elevator. 

Jaime snickered but sobered up quickly enough when he realised he was boiling because of his Santa Claus suit in spite of the air conditioner. 

"Oh shit." He muttered as he took it off, leaving him with his usual blue shirt and jeans. 

He cringed as he saw his sweat-coated arms and neck. 

"Ew. I need a bloody bath." 

* * *

_"From the first floor again..."_ Tyrion thought wearily as he rubbed his eyes. 

He had taken off the ridiculous Dominoes uniform, wearing his usual green jacket, black shirt and jeans which was a relief since the uniform stank of pizza. 

Thank Drogo for being helpful enough though the bemused look on his face was enough to make Tyrion cry with laughter. 

He looked at the suitcase standing innocently next to him and bit on his lip as he saw who his visitors were. 

The grand queen and king themselves, Cersei and Robert Baratheon. 

This was going to be  _rich._

"Hello, Tyrion." Cersei greeted coldly as Robert, with his usual booming laughter, greeted the small man. 

Tyrion didn't greet them back. Instead, he sniffed Cersei twice, much to the woman's scandalized horror. 

"Tyrion, what do you think you're doing?" Cersei asked softly. 

Tyrion just winked. "Just making sure you haven't dirtied yourself!" 

Robert cackled but stopped as soon as Tyrion did the same thing to him. 

"Interesting perfume..." Tyrion said, thoughtfully. 

"That's deodorant." Robert said, raising his eyebrows and clearly doubting Tyrion's well-known intelligence. 

"Ah! Axe, am I right?" Tyrion asked, in interest. 

Robert nodded, looking wary. 

Cersei looked fit to burst but didn't obviously show her anger in front of her husband. 

"What's with that weird music? Sounds like a couple of cunts burping in a combination of treble and bass." Robert remarked. 

Tyrion really wanted to laugh but had amazing self control. 

Cersei however, was unfortunate enough to let out a small giggle. 

"I do believe the elevator floor can be replaced with something as gaudy as that music however. Something more...colourful? Like posters!" Tyrion said, careful to intone his voice here and there to garner the interest of the two donkeys. 

Cersei and Robert stared at him. 

"Are you actually suggesting we replace metal floors with posters?" Cersei asked, raising her eyebrows until they almost disappeared. 

Tyrion looked at her in surprise. "Why of course!" 

He then glanced at the elevator floor number, reading _4,_ just as it stopped. 

"You do know, it would be more economical and less expensive, plus, it would be visually appealing!" Tyrion spoke as if he were reciting a speech, biting on his lip as Ned Stark came in, suddenly silencing himself. 

Stark raised an eyebrow, looking back and forth between the Baratheon couple and Tyrion. 

"Am I interrupting something?" Stark asked, blinking. 

"Something stupid, that's for certain." Robert said bluntly. 

"Well, I'm offended. In a bid to remove my offence, may I ask where the nearest bathroom is?" Tyrion asked, huffing and glaring at Robert, who looked taken aback. 

Stark just blinked. "...Sixth floor." He said, clearly bemused. 

"Right. Coupled with the tears threatening to," Tyrion sniffed as Cersei growled low in her throat. "Escape my eyes, I would also like to empty my bladder, so I thank you dearly, Ned Stark, for removing me out my misery." 

Stark clearly looked concerned for Tyrion's sanity. "You're welcome." He said, after a while of quiet staring. 

Cersei exhaled, clearly at the end of her patience. 

When the floor number read 5, Tyrion pressed a button, gasping almost as if it gave him a shock. 

"Lannister, are you all right?" Stark asked, blinking. 

Tyrion just smiled and pressed on another button, smirking when a loud emergency beep resonated throughout the elevator. 

He then gasped again, this time clutching his finger. 

"Are you out of your mind?! That's the emergency button!" Cersei shouted, looking pissed. 

_"I love this part."_ The youngest Lannister sibling thought in glee. 

"According to you, I'm always out of my mind!" Tyrion chirped, making Robert snort and Stark look uncomfortable. 

Cersei might have as well slapped her little brother if there hadn't been other people present, if the look on her face was any indication. 

When the sixth floor came, Tyrion clutched his pants, gasped as he pressed the button and ran out with a grin. 

 

"That guy just lost it." Ned said, in the end. 

Robert snorted. "Probably comes out of bachelorhood." 

Cersei just shook her head, breathing heavily. 

 

"Wait, isn't that Lannister's suitcase?" Ned asked after a while. 

"Doesn't matter. Wait, what's that on the suitcase?" Robert asked. 

Cersei looked at the suitcase and at the paper stuck on it. 

"It says to open it. Which I'm not doing." Cersei said adamantly. 

Robert shrugged. "Won't hurt anyone, woman." He said, opening the suitcase. 

A packet of condoms fell off. 

Cersei's breathing became more laboured and Ned stared at the colourful rainbow of condoms falling down from the suitcase. 

Robert however, burst out in booming laughter. 

 

* * *

 

Lovers Jon Snow and Ygritte Giantsbane were currently boarding the elevator, as Jaime grinned at the text message from Tyrion. 

He then took out the telephone book from his pocket and roared in laughter just as the elevator doors closed. 

"Someone please change the music." Snow muttered, cringing as Jaime's laughter reached his ears. 

"Okay, Snow, doesn't it strike you as weird that Lannister is laughing at a telephone book?" Ygritte asked bluntly. 

Snow snorted. "I've seen the Lannisters do worse." 

Ygritte hummed. 

"Okay, you two, which is your floor?" Jaime asked suddenly, after stopping laughing at the boring telephone book. 

"5th." Ygritte and Snow chorused disgustingly. 

Jaime just grinned, making Snow cringe into a ball (not literally of course) and then slowly walked up to the button panel and leaned against it. 

"What are you doing?" Ygritte asked skeptically. 

"Just a sec." Jaime said, turning around to press the 6th floor button. 

"We said _5th_ floor!" Snow shouted, looking pissed for the first time.....since forever.  

"My bad!" Jaime sing-sang. 

When they did come to the 6th floor however, they were greeted with the sight of none other than Sandor Cleagne. 

"Lannister." Cleagne growled. 

Jaime widened his eyes before breaking out into a dreamy smile. "Ah this reminds me of the days when I was buried alive..." He said, charmingly. 

" _What_?" 

"What now?" Definitely Snow. 

Cleagne growled further. "Of course it does. Now fucking move so that I can get inside the damned thing." 

"Of course of course!" 

Truth be told, Cleagne had never liked him or Tyrion because of the hair dye trick they pulled. 

Maybe Cleagne hadn't liked them before that, which wasn't impossible considering he hated everything that had a mouth, a voice and two legs. 

"What the fuck is it with this shitty elevator music? Sounds like a couple of cunts burping and shitting." Cleagne said blandly. 

"That's what we'd like to know." Snow said, just as blandly. 

"Why can I hear the fucking words  _'I love you' and_ some pansy shit?" Cleagne asked, glaring at the elevator roof.

Jaime couldn't help it, he let out all the mirth in him in one long stream of insane laughter. 

Just then the words  _'you must be out of your mind'_ pulsated throughout, making Cleagne cackle. 

"It looks like this music isn't so bad after all. It exactly describes Lannister over there." 

"Actually, that would be...Bolton. Ramsay Bolton." Jaime said, saving himself from Cleagne's wrath by amending it with an easily believable candidate. 

Cleagne howled in laughter. "Right now that mad kid is on and about how Jaime Lannister had better been going to a mental asylum in the future." 

_"That kid is a fucking hypocrite."_ Was what Jaime wanted to say, but bit on his tongue because he didn't want Bolton to skin him off like he did with his pork sausages. 

Jaime looked at his watch, took out a sheet of paper from his pocket, looked at it and sighed. 

_"All right baby brother. I'm counting on you to make this gig a stellar success."_

Though Jaime had finished his quota, that didn't mean he couldn't piss off the three for the heck of it. 

"Hey, Snow." 

Snow looked wary. 

"I heard you and Ygritte made out in the men's bathroom." 

"What the fuck." That was Cleagne. 

Snow went as red as his girlfriend's hair and Ygritte scowled. 

Jaime cackled into his hand. 

Let the fun begin. 

* * *

 

Tyrion looked at his sheet of paper before hiding his mouth with the very sheet at the sight of the passengers entering. 

Oh delightful, he got Jorah Mormont? 

This was gold, Tyrion thought, as Jorah Mormont warily entered the elevator along with...Margaery Tyrell and Yara Greyjoy. 

"What's with this music? Robb wasn't kidding when he said it sounded strange." Tyrell commented. 

Yara shrugged. "Beats me. It sounds like the type of thing that'll piss off Theon though." 

_"You have no idea, dear lady."_

"You're the one who stored condoms inside his suitcase. Cersei Baratheon's been raging about it." Mormont said bluntly, facing Tyrion. 

"I assure you, those were Jaime's. And I do need a more suitable host body, second." Was the first thing that came out of Tyrion's mouth. 

Tyrell choked as Yara snorted. 

"What do you mean,  _'host body'_?" Mormont asked warily. 

"I mean what I said, foolish mortal. This body is too small." Tyrion said casually, trying not to choke himself with laughter. 

"That's easily understandable, he's suffering from dwarfism. But let's say I humor you, why on earth are you possessing his body?" Yara asked, biting on her lip. 

Tyrell snickered as Mormont looked unamused.

Uptight man. 

"For taking over the world!" The dwarf announced grandly. 

Tyrell took out her handkerchief and silently laughed into it. 

Meanwhile, a grinning Yara went to the button panel and pressed on the nearest floor button. 

Much to Tyrion's amusement, Ramsay Bolton was sitting opposite the elevator, and looked at the elevator with raised eyebrows as Yara peeked out to see who was there. 

Once she faced Tyrion, her eyes were dancing with mirth. 

"Go on. There's a more suitable host body over there." Yara said, making Tyrell lose it. 

Even Mormont chuckled with a slight smirk on his face as Tyrell hysterically giggled into her hanky. 

"Why thank you. I shall leave this unsuitable host body!" Tyrion announced in the same grand voice. 

Yara hid her mouth with her hand, as the elevator resumed going up, shaking with laughter. 

Tyrion pretended to faint and immediately woke up, Yara still shaking with laughter. 

"What on earth, how am I standing in an elevator when I'm sleeping? Oh I suppose it doesn't matter, I've got a touch of the sun I'm afraid." Tyrion said conversationally, shrugging as he got up. 

Mormont snorted. 

"So where do all of you want to go?" Tyrion asked, putting his hands in his pockets. 

"Twentieth floor." All of them said, looking surprised upon realising they had chorused. 

Tyrion bit on his lip to stop himself from grinning as he fingered the penny in his pocket. 

"Well, surprise me, I'm going there as well!" Tyrion said jovially. 

Tyrell smirked innocently. "I suppose you've been taking a lot of time on the elevator today!" She said, just as cheerily. 

Tyrion sighed theatrically. "Ah indeed I am. I'm afraid my father is testing my limits, running me around here and there! I'm indeed glad for the invention of the elevator!" He said, sighing with psuedo-relief. 

As Yara walked to stand in the corner, Tyrion made squeaky mouse noises. 

It was unfortunate that puberty had granted him nothing except the deepest voice heard by man's ears _but_ it was fortunate Jaime had taught him to make squeaky noises to alarm Cersei. 

Yara raised her eyebrows, having lost all sense of amusement but Tyrion merely gave her an innocent smile the second he felt her eyes on him. 

The twentieth floor _sure_ took a long ass time, Tyrion thought blandly. 

 

The second he read the number 20 on the elevator floor indicator, he rushed to 'open' the elevator doors, looking embarrassed when they opened by themselves. 

"Oh damn! I forgot about that!" Tyrion said in horror, looking at his pocket in dismay. 

"You forgot that the elevator doors open up by themselves." Mormont dead panned. 

Tyrion face-palmed and turned to face Mormont. "I bet Jaime a penny I could open the elevator doors by myself but I guess I forgot that tiny detail....I suppose even geniuses have their failings.." 

"Get out of the way, Lannister and shut up for one minute for once, I'm getting sick of this stupid music." Mormont said, his voice dry. 

"Well of course, of course! But I must ask of these doors just one tiny thing.." 

Tyrell and Yara coughed. 

Mormont, when Tyrion turned to face him one more time, looked hilarious when groaning. 

"Elevator doors! As the Elevator Door Guard, which is me by the way," 

"You're what now?" Yara muttered. 

"I demand you stay open until this penny, which I am to give my obnoxious brother, releases its clinky sound when it hits the shaft!" 

" _What_." Mormont said in dismay. 

And so did Tyrion throw the penny. 

The three fled just before the doors could close, not waiting to hear the 'clinky sound' and left Tyrion alone.

The dwarf smirked and took out his phone to text a certain someone.

_"Success. Mormont probably wants me to get a plaster for my mouth by now and even Tyrell, Margaery Tyrell, I mean, is done with our shit."_

Tyrion was still smirking when he hit the 'send' button. 

 

Though later....

 

"I heard that you two were causing chaos in the elevator." 

Tyrion and Jaime looked at each other, identical grimaces on their faces as their father, frowning, spoke to them. 

"Not just from Cersei. From  _various_ sources, including Sansa Stark. Though she wasn't dragged to my office willingly." Tywin Lannister said, folding his arms on his table. 

"Care to explain this mess? No one's willing to use the elevators now for fear of the fact that you one of you two might be inside and be causing disgraceful behaviour. Efficiency of the office has slowed down within a couple of hours (Both brothers rolled their eyes) and Baelish, Mace Tyrell, Olenna Tyrell are all ready to have your heads on wooden spikes." He continued, eyeing them severely. 

"Father, it's April Fools today." Jaime said after a moment of silence. 

Tywin exhaled deeply, looking irritable. "And is there a law that says you can disturb the office by behaving like a pair of lunatics in the elevator, alarming everyone just because it's a foolish day created by a fool?" He asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

"Yes, there is." Tyrion said, facing his father. 

"No one said you can change the elevator music as well, now, have they? And how is it that the elevator cameras have been switched off?" 

Jaime shrugged. 

Tyrion shrugged in an even more infuriating fashion, at least in his father's eyes. 

Tywin clenched his jaw.

"You two are banned from using the elevators for two months. Get out of the office. And the both of you are given....leave on the 1st of April every year. Get out."

 

Tyrion and Jaime snickered as they came out their father's room.

"Well, now that our April Fools gig is up, looks  like we'll have to do this on every 2nd April then." Jaime said, smirking. 

Tyrion snickered. 

"Naturally, brother dearest."

 

"How is it that _none_ of us had the common sense to check our calendars?" Robb Stark was found asking later when the brothers walked out of the office building. 

"Well, that was what made it fun." Jaime muttered to Tyrion. 

"You don't say." 

**Author's Note:**

> First GOT fic of mine! Figured we all need some comedy~
> 
> Also, the robot music is the OMFG series.  
> Don't ask me why Tommen was invested in it, this is crack treated seriously~~~
> 
> This is the list of 37 things to do on an elevator, where I replaced the 22nd one with something of my own~ 
> 
> https://www.google.co.in/amp/s/www.wattpad.com/amp/5457556#xxri=4


End file.
